According to witness Jon Mishner, self-styled comedian “California Thunder” had been heckling other comedians during a recent open mic at the Hollywood Hotel. Upon taking the stage he engaged with someone sitting in front aggressively after which he was struck in the head with a beer bottle.

All of that could have been avoided had “Thunder” had a handy dandy list as we have neatly compiled below.

When you take the stage as a so-called stand-up comedian, especially after making such comments as “I hadn’t seen comedians this bad since I was back in Dallas,” it’s advisable to absolutely not do the following:

1. Do not call an audience member “shithead” and “piece of shit” when they have not engaged with you.

2. Do not take their phone away from them, in general, and especially when, they did not initiate engagement.

3. Do not throw said audience member’s phone on the ground as an act of defiance.

4. If you’re going to be a “shithead” yourself and heckle everyone before you, please do not do open mics and ruin it for everyone else working on their comedy.

There are obviously several more rules as to how to not do stand-up comedy, but overall, not being a dick, unless you’re going to be funny while doing it, is a incredibly good rule of thumb.