1) Just a reminder: American: The Bill Hicks Story will debut in LA at the Laemmle Sunset 5 in Hollywood on April 15th.  Please check back at the Comedy Bureau for more details on this as the date approaches.

2) Jim Jeffries on Lopez Tonight.  THAT’S JIM JEFFRIES DOING A CLEAN SET on cable television and pulling it off.  Well, just watched it and it’s pretty much clean until that last bit.  

3) If nothing else, the name, Comedy is Dead, should be a huge selling point, especially when it takes place within a real cemetery and Neil Hamburger is on the line-up.  Mar. 3rd. Hollywood Forever Cemetery 8PM $15. RSVP at comedyisdead@gmail.com

4) Whatever your opinion of Marty’s/The Open Mic, the open mic where you pay $5 to do multiple sets in front of nothing but comics 7 nights a week, 6 hours at a time, it was their one year anniversary yesterday.  Considering that pure comedy open mics have been quite the high turnover rate lately, the Comedy Bureau extends a congratulations to Marty’s for making it a year.

5) Tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL-Forget about the “hump” in hump day.
Web Series Unplugged @ El Cid 7PM $8
Just for Laughs Showcase @ Hollywood Improv Lab 7:30PM FREE 
Getaloada Comedy @ Foundation Room-House of Blues 8PM FREE
An Anti Valentine Comedy Show and AA Meeting @ Harlem Place Cafe 8PM FREE 
Fix-Up Show w/J. Keith Van Straaten and Special Guest Henry Winkler @ ACME Comedy Theatre 8PM $15
Smartest Man in the World LIVE @ Comedy Central Stages 6539 Santa Monica Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 8PM FREE Call (323) 960-5519
Meltdown @ Meltdown Comics 8:30PM $8
The Ed Galvez Punk House @ Westside Comedy Theatre 9PM $8
Beer in the Shower @ Whitehorse Cocktail Lounge Inn 9:30PM FREE
Just for Laughs Showcase @ Laugh Factory 10PM $20/$30 VIP/2 item min.
Anna Lee Lawson Comedy Hour @ Next Stage Theatre 11PM $5

6) OPEN MIC RUN
THE SPOT CAFE 4455 Overland Ave., Culver City, CA/Sign-up (lottery) 7PM 
CAFE ON 2ND 7 S. 2nd St., Alhambra, CA/Sign-up 7PM/Starts 7:30PM 
CAFE MUSE 6547 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, CA/Sign-up (lottery) 8PM
LIBRARY A COFFEEHOUSE 3418 E. Broadway, Long Beach, CA/Sign-up 8PM/Starts 8:30PM  

7) Recently: We’re in the thick of awards season. To show you how much I care, I’m posting this clip of Jerrod Carmichael doing absolutely no material on awards, but is hilarious.

8) Stickers saying, “The Comedy Bureau Approves” or something along those lines, thoughts?  OK, I get it.  I’ll stop.

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THE COMEDY BUREAU/@thecomedybureau

1) Why should you be reading the Comedy Bureau? Well… if you’ve ever read the mission statement, you can trust in the entire Comedy Bureau staff to keep you up to date on the best shows, open mics most worthy of your hard earned free time, all pertinent LA Comedy news big and small (all the way from Matt Braunger getting a pilot order from Comedy Central to when Paul F Tompkins is having a live tweeting event), and who really is on the trailblazing forefront of comedy in this town and what they’re doing to make it so, with the personal, one-of-a-kind personal touch of a comedian firmly dug into the trenches of the best and worst that Los Angeles has to offer comedy-wise (This is How to Make It in Comedy?).  Just like when people frequently ask me how to get featured here, I tell them, “be funny and I’ll find it.”, conversely, if you want unequivocal, undeniable funny, keep finding your way back to the Comedy Bureau.

2) Boy, oh boy, we’re back in business with a regular COMEDY CRAWL and some of the best shows/comedians/people to make you laugh after sitting in traffic after getting off work on the first Monday of 2011: What’s Up Tiger Lily? @ Hollywood Studio Bar & Grill 8PM FREE, Keep It Clean @ 1739 Public House 10PM FREE, Crash Test @ UCB Theatre 11PM $5 (stand by only).

3) OPEN MIC RUN: CLUB 705 705 Pier Ave., Hermosa Beach, CA/Starts 7PM, ARTIST ANARCHY @ PUKA BAR 710 W. Willow St., Long Beach, CA/Starts 8PM, TRIBAL CAFE 1651 W. Temple St, Los Angeles, CA (echo park)/Starts 8:30pm, SPEAKEASY @ HARLEM PLACE CAFE 124 W. 4th St., Los Angeles, CA (downtown)/Sign-up via e-mail speakeasyopenmic@gmail.com by 4PM/Starts promptly at 9PM, MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed

4) I understand if you just want to get home and have your comedy just done for you (though that’s pretty much what you do during a live show) Luckily, all you good folks can tune into IFC’s “Comedy Death Ray” w/host Scott Aukerman premiering tonight at 10PM and then catch Matt Braunger on the Late Late Show w/Craig Ferguson 12:35AM on CBS.

5) “Is This Thing On?” Not only, “is it on”, the Gallery 1988 exhibition of 100 artists “taking” on representations of funny people like Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Bill Murray, Louis CK, and many many more is something not to be missed.  Starting this Fri. Jan. 7th at Gallery 1988, check back at the Comedy Bureau for more details this week.

6) Something that you might not know about the Big Trouble in Little Tokyo Open Mic this Tues.: Señor Fish is open until 1AM and if there’s people still on the list, I’ll keep it running until then.  Oh yeah, Jackie Kashian & Andy Peters are going to be there too.  That’s enough reasons to go I think.  422 E. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA/Sign-up 6:30PM/Starts 7PM.

7) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to JACKIE KASHIAN-“@jackiekashian My Vision Board wants me to get bi-focals.” This is Jackie’s second of the Tip of the Hat and I’m more than happy to give it to her just like I’m happy to go out of my way to see her because she is one of a couple of comedians who I literally witness “just turn it on” whenever they feel like it since they have the ability to do that.  Also, her stories about her dad and husband are ones that need to be heard.  You can do so tonight at What’s Up Tiger Lily? 8PM FREE, tomorrow at Big Trouble in Little Tokyo, and this Wed. at Meltdown @ Meltdown Comics 8:30PM $8  Website. Twitter. Tumblr. Dorkforest.

8) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: Dr. Stangelove Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb-Trailer

9) Donate to the Comedy Bureau or I’ll fade out of the picture a la Michael J. Fox in the photo in Back to the Future.

10) If you’ve ever wonder the Comedy Bureau Offices look like, I’ll be driving my car around various open mics around LA tonight.  No tours, however, are currently available at this time.

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1) Many who report on comedy in some fashion like to make “best of” lists at the end of every year.  As with every list, there’s always debate, so, in the comedic spirit, I’ll stir the pot even further with The Comedy Bureau’s very own “The Very Best of ‘Best of Comedy in 2010” List featuring the top year end comedy lists as decided by Bureau Director Jake Kroeger himself.  It doesn’t get any more “postmodern” than this folks…

1. 10 Moments Comedians Made Us Think This Year-Splitsider
2. 10 Best Comedy Albums of 2010-Amazon.com
3. The 10 Must Have Stand Up Comedy DVDs from 2010-Punchline Magazine
4. 15 Funny People We Lost in 2010-Splitsider
5. Top 5 Funniest TV Comedies-Huffington Post-Matt Wilstein
6. 2010 Wasn’t So Shitty After All-Mike Bridenstine 

2) WE ARE ON THE VERGE OF another Saturday.  Still, that doesn’t change the fact that there’s some great laughs to be found on tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL. Start with The Not Inappropriate Show @ UCB Theatre 4PM $12, then go to Michael Rayner @ Flappers Burbank YooHoo Room 7:30PM/9:30PM $20, then Christopher Titus @ Flappers Burbank 8PM/10PM $60, or just go to San Francisco and do the 15th Annual Comedy Countdown @ Palace of Fine Arts 9:30PM $60-$114.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: FLAPPERS BURBANK BAR 102 E. Magnolia, Burbank, CA/Starts 5PM, MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/Starts 5PM/$5/multiple sets allowed

4) The Ultimate Free & Cheap LA Comedy List 1/2-1/8. Thanks Wisepix.

5) With the popularity of Paul F Tompkins Live Tweeting during a major holiday with his #midnightmass2010, Paul has decided to do it yet again with New Year’s Day and The Twilight Zone Marathon on SyFy.  Follow @pftompkins after Midnight PST to join in the after hours/New Year’s fun while you wait for the Rose Parade (because you were waiting to watch the Rose Parade, right?)

6) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to the entire LOS ANGELES COMEDY COMMUNITY that give the entire Comedy Bureau Staff/me something to write about everyday and the inspiration/will to write/perform every night.

7) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: George Carlin-Modern Man

8) Donate to The Comedy Bureau. Leave 2010 on a good note.

9) Last night, a comic asked to be heckled, just like 2010 did.

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THE COMEDY BUREAU

1) Now for the start of “I Know What You’re Thinking… (No, You Don’t)”, an ongoing series into the psyche of a comedian (me/The Comedy Bureau Director/@blitzkroeger) after a night of comedy in LA—-SURE, there were plenty of great shows as “confirmed” by the wondrous updates via my facebook feed that I could have attended last night, but instead, I chose to throw myself back into the pit/den of lions of trying out new material. Over the last week and a half, I’ve tightened my “holidays” material to the point of ad nauseam and decided to get back to work on deconstructing the norms and mores of dating in our times that mostly involves me getting “I’ll be right back” and “You’re too nice.” “You’re such a great guy” is another really popular one. In this spirit, I wrote out a brand new 7 minutes revolving around that topic. Actually, “grossly spat out whilst reading Twitter” would be a more accurate description of what was created. At the open mic, I nearly forgot half of it, remembering mostly just the punchlines and hardly any of the set-ups, transitions, intros, premises, etc. and it was met with the long bouts of silence and false sympathy from the “green” comic in the room who still doesn’t shut up during people’s sets that it deserved. In short, my set was mostly garbage and yet, I felt like it was needed. In being a comedian, as much as I strive to smash the place when I go up, I sincerely believe that a “humbling” set is needed every once in a while to let you know that you’re human and not comedy incarnate (For the record: I have NEVER thought I was comedy incarnate). Still, as honest you have to be with yourself when being an artist developing his or her art, you also have to lift yourself up and try to take something, anything from any performance, which, in this case, was about 5 or 6 lines that worked and actually got laughs the way I wanted despite me rambling them out of my mouth in an almost incoherent, depression-ridden fashion. Tune in next time at the Comedy Bureau to see where those 5 or 6 lines actually go…. or if I just lose it altogether.

2) I don’t have a New Year’s Resolution because it’s just another week on the calendar, just like tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL is another damn fine night of laughter. Start with The 2010 It Sucked Awards @ UCB Theatre 8PM $5 (stand-by only), then go to T’was the Night Before New Year’s Eve @ Hollywood Improv 8PM $14/2 item min., then go to This Comedy Show @ the Jon Lovitz Club 8PM $20/2 drink min./$3 valet parking special, and finish with The Josh & Josh Show @ Bar Lubitsch 8:30PM FREE.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: SAL’S COMEDY HOLE 7356 Melrose Ave., Hollywood, CA/Starts 6PM/one item min., MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed

4) The Greater LA Open Mic Map will be very soon updated with whole new round of open mics for the new year for everyone to try their new year’s resolution material at. Check back at the Comedy Bureau very soon for updates.

5) Though this might sound traitorous, especially since the Comedy Bureau is LA based, if you have New Year’s Eve plans to see a comedy show, LEAVE LA!!! The best New Year’s Eve comedy event will actually be taking place in San Francisco at the Palace of Fine Arts. The 15th Annual Comedy Countdown Dec. 31st 9:30PM will feature the likes of Laurie Kilmartin, Nick Thune, Charlyne Yi, Christina Pazitsky, the Sklar Brothers, and many more. Tickets range from $60 to $114, which is why I’m completely fine with going to a party and donating a few bucks for a keg back here in LA.

6) thecomedystore replied to your post: Morning Debriefing 12/29/10-Y U no Love? Two quick answers: 1) In doing the Comedy Bureau, I’m also a comic whose slowly, but surely growing incapable of the act of love. 2) I hate when people write like preschoolers attempting to draw and color. MORE TO COME SOON. VERY SOON.

7) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to WILL WELDON: ”@oldmanweldon To raise awareness about violence against women I tell every guy in Ed Hardy that they probably hit women.” Hailing from Canada, Will has brought has sharpened observations to LA where have they been welcomed certainly by the Comedy Bureau and many others in LA comedy circles. Hopefully, we can make those circles aware of Will’s hilarity increase in size and/or number. All of you good folks reading this can actually see Will at What’s Up Tiger Lily @ Hollywood Studio Bar & Grill Mon. Jan 3rd, 8PM FREE and Fifty First Jokes @ The Zephyr Theater Thurs. Jan. 6th 9PM $7. Also, don’t miss his website, Twitter, or blog.

8) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: Bill Hicks Banned Set on Letterman

9) Donate to the Comedy Bureau… Tron made enough money, OK? Spread the wealth.

10) The rain has stoppped…. The skies are clear…. You can even see the mountains in the distance that you never knew existed… AND I STILL CAN’T GET THAT NEW 7 MINUTES ON HOMEWRECKING TO WORK!!!

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1) Hashtags. #whatthehellisthis? #whydoIcare?  Partially as a necessity to promote one’s self as a performer and partially as an indulgence into one’s own belief in their own genius, being on Twitter for comedians, not only in LA, but around the world, seems like a natural occurrence.  Many comedians indeed just promote their shows/videos/podcasts/etc. while others tweet absolutely everything they do while other others even go further and actually utilize Twitter as a sort of “open mic” for jokes that might actually might make it into their act.  Taking that all into consideration, the newest and possibly most interesting “comedian trend” on Twitter is the “joke hashtag” where a random, arcane topic, such as “fat indie bands”, is preceded by the “#” symbol and has no spaces in between, which follows an attempt at that topic.  Ex. “@blitzkroeger Rage Against the Blood Pressure Machine #fatindiebands”.  If you like subjecting yourself to following 400 people on Twitter and reading EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR TWEETS, then you’ll notice that many comedians all the way from big time “names” like Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) to some excellent “no-name” writers spend a considerable amount of time coming up for more tweets to add to that “joke hashtag”, when they will most likely never in their entire lifetime on stage, ever use any of that.  In fact, nearly all of these types of tweets are extremely pun based and I can hardly see anyone using them onstage ever, much less on tour/on the road where Twitter terminology is quite possibly a foreign language.  Yet, as a comedian, I feel compelled, like it’s running laps during 6th grade P.E. to join in on the “joke hashtag” fest.  As this keeps happening and my time to be productive/be the Comedy Bureau is eaten away at, I ask myself why do I succumb to this and I’ve concluded that joining in on these “joke hashtags” is the new form of “riffing” over dinner or while smoking outside that, above all else, keeps you sharp, thinking on your toes, and ready for something that isn’t in your element.  As I’ve come to see the value in thinking what some more “#failedrockbandmovies” are, I would say to comics, perhaps join in on some “joke hashtags” to work out your brain for later when writing your own material and, sometimes (emphasis on sometimes) to actually have fun. #whatanovelconcept #articlesnoonecaresabout

2) For branding purposes only, I am maintaining the term “COMEDY CRAWL” for tonight even though there is only one show I would recommend.  For tonight, go to Alonzo Bodden @ Comedy and Magic Club 8PM $15/2 drink min.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: SAL’S COMEDY HOLE 7356 Melrose Ave., Hollywood, CA/Starts 6PM/one item min., TRIBAL CAFE 1651 W. Temple St., Los Angeles, CA (Echo Park)/Starts 8:30PM, MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed

4) It has been brought to my attention that people actually read the CHAIN OF COMMAND section of the Comedy Bureau and are curious as to the nature of the other members.  Consigliere Joe Braza, Field Liaison Jeremy Paul, and Assistant to the Field Liaison Russell Corona are all dedicated members of the Comedy Bureau hand picked by me/the Bureau Director himself to ensure that I don’t go completely insane in trying to issue out the “debriefing” everyday.  Also, they take care a lot of heavy lifting and any ancillary dirty work that I need done.  In addition to all of that, they comprise of some of the funniest folks I know.  To all those interested in contributing to the Comedy Bureau, before you find me, I’ll find you OR just e-mail thecomedybureau@gmail.com

5) It was asked of me several weeks ago that I list the “Pound for Pound” Open Mics in the Los Angeles area for every day of the week as I’m the guy whose willing to drive to such mythical places as Alhambra and Carson and even beyond for some stage time.  The wait for this list is over… tomorrow and then everyone can see what’s the best place to actually try out material instead of risking doing so when booked.

6) TOMORROW is the premiere of Part 8 of the Big Trouble in Little Tokyo Open Mic.  Don’t miss cheap food, cheap beer, cheap Tony Sam and Matt Knudsen, some cheap great laughs, and cheap “big trouble” at Señor Fish.  Be at 422 E. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA at 6:30PM for sign-up and 7PM for the start.  That is all.

7) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to JAN DAVIDSON-“Interview with a Virgin”  Being named one of the “Funniest Moms in America” by Nick at Nite might lead you to believe that Jan Davidson tells cute jokes about her kids, but you couldn’t be more mistaken.  Jan is one of the more edgy, innovative, amazing performers amongst, not just mothers, but all comics that I’ve come across in my travels as the Comedy Bureau and certainly a joy to watch.  Please check her myspace page and/or back at the Comedy Bureau for more on Jan and her next performance.

8) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: Eddie Pepitone heckles himself

9) Donate to the Comedy Bureau because I still don’t work for LA weekly or the LA times and don’t have a glass office, which this lovely minimalist inspired site might lead you to believe.

10) In reference to my act, I was just told by my dad that “being unable to get a girl” and “hating your mother” are not relatable topics of discussion.  I must be out of touch with our “zeitgeist” as everyone is APPARENTLY successfully dating and are members of a fully functional, totally agreeable nuclear family unit.  My apologies Comedy Community/Los Angeles/America.

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1) The amazingly funny LA comedian Asterios Kokkinos along with his “Family of Tumblrs” has taken comedy via “online minutiae” to an entirely new level.  With what essentially is 5 entirely different blogs through upstart social networking site www.tumblr.com, all with a very specific theme, showcases the depth and vastness of Asterios’ knowledge of popular culture and his overall cleverness.  From a blog about pitching “horribly awesome” screenplay ideas (Presidentbaby.com), to a blog featuring “What Happened on the Internet Today” (whotit.tumblr.com), to a blog that has transcripts of Asterios’ various hilarious online conversations (chatloggin.tumblr.com), to his own personal blog (asterios.tumblr.com), and even to a blog parodying Billy Joel standard “Movin’ Out” (6acks.tumblr.com), Kokkinos not only offers up several great ways to see his sensational comedy to the entire world, but does so in basically one neatly wrapped online package.  Be sure to check out Asterios’ Family of Tumblrs and check back at the Comedy Bureau to see if he adds any more to the 5 featured here as well as when he’s performing LIVE (you really don’t want to miss out on that).

2) Done with Christmas?  You should be.  Don’t you dare go to a damn sale and succumb to things you don’t need being 70% off.  Go on tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL, which will cost less than the mysterious $200 receipt you’ll inevitably rack up if you go to any major retailer today.  Start with ASSSSCAT @ UCB Theatre 7:30PM FREE, then go to Holiday All Stars @ Hollywood Improv 8PM $14/2 item min, and finish with Shitty Jobs @ UCB Theatre 11PM $5.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: SAL’S COMEDY HOLE 7356 Melrose Ave., Hollywood, CA/Starts 6 PM/one item min., SUNSET GRILL (call 323 851 5557 before going) 7439 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/Starts 7PM/one item min., MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed.

4) Why wait until the New Year for this…?  Christmas already passed, so here’s is the COMEDY BUREAU MISSION STATEMENT: The Comedy Bureau is, above all, committed to advancing the art form of Comedy in the Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area and beyond as well as enlightening the general population about the funniest and most creative Los Angeles based comedic performers.

5) The newest member of the Comedy Bureau: Field Agent Joe Braza (there’s absolutely no difference in responsibility between Liaison and Agent).  Welcome. (cue mic toss)

6) Big Trouble in Little Tokyo Open Mic is BACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK (6acks.tumblr.com) this Tuesday 12/28 with none other than TONY SAM and MATT KNUDSEN!!! I shouldn’t have to say anything else about $2 fish tacos, etc.  Señor Fish. Sign-up 6:30PM/Starts 7PM.

7) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to ESTHER POVITSKY-“@Little_Esther I hate it when my slave pulls the “I’m your mother” card.”  Doing shows with Esther BEFORE Joe Rogan “tested” her, so to speak, by taking her on the road, was always a delight.  The incredibly petite Esther is deceptive in her comedy with a dry, more honest sense of humor.  Here’s her blog and her Twitter, two things you shouldn’t miss.

8) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: Mitch Hedberg in That 70s Show

9) Donate to the Comedy Bureau, especially if you’re returning something that allows for actual cash and not just store credit.  It’s still the time for the “holiday spirit”, right?

10) Now that Christmas has passed, we can go to the Martin Luther King Jr. Day “material”.

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THE COMEDY BUREAU

1) The Library: A Coffee House Open Mic serves as yet another example of what driving outside of Hollywood/LA area will get you in terms of looking for decent open mic stage time as a comic.  With a set-up resembling the living room of a standard hipster bookworm and no stage, there’s actually a sort welcoming, “at home” atmosphere that I personally find encouraging, especially in the sense that I can go into material productively as opposed to being forced to riff/do aggressive crowd work to get any sort of response.  Hosted endearingly by Nick Petrillo, all comics that come down get 7 minutes, without having to pay any sort of cover charge, and there’s usually a small, but real crowd of people that sometimes, surprisingly, knows that there’s a comedy open mic happening and sticks around to listen.  To all those not within the immediate Long Beach vicinity, if you can make it out to 3418 E. Broadway, Long Beach, CA by 8PM (sign-up is first come, first served), I highly suggest you do so as it another The Comedy Bureau has just deemed it another “Bureau Approved” open mic. 

2) I suggest that you flip a coin to decide which of the two shows that you would go to on tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL then ignore the result and just go to both of them anyway.  Go to Roast of Baby Jesus @ UCB Theatre 8PM $5 (stand-by only) and The Josh & Josh Show @ Bar Lubitsch 8:30PM FREE.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: CAFE ON 2ND (call 626 284-1292 before going) 7 S. 2nd St., Alhambra, CA/Sign-up 7PM/Starts 7:30PM/$3 cover/10 min. guaranteed, SIPOLOGY (call 562 432 4800 before going) 448 E. Broadway, Long Beach, CA/Starts 8PM, MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed.

4) The rain has gone away, but if you’re just too comfy in your day bed watching youtube clips, you can stay right where you are and watch Reggie Watts on Conan at 11PM TBS OR Johnny Pemberton as host of MEGADRIVE on MTV, also at 11PM.  Though, you were probably going to watch both of those ANYWAY, right….?  Because that’s what you should be doing….

5) Garfunkel and Oates contribution to Christmas lore has been now documented and solidified with the addition of the term “present face” on urbandictionary.com: Present Face-the face you make when you get a really terrible present but don’t want to hurt anybodies feelings. EX. “I could tell martha hated the chess set i got her, you could see that present face from a mile away.”  Don’t miss the hilarious video accompaniment to this right here.  Also, if you have a “present face” that you would like to share with Garfunkel and Oates, send a picture to mypresentface@gmail.com to help make the Present Face video of 2010.

6) Punchline Magazine’s Punchlist 2010 is still open.  GO VOTE…. oh, and if you need some recommendations… here’s a few in this post.

7) As I announced several posts ago, instead of making a simple “10 best of 2010” type of list, I will one-up all other comedy websites/blogs by making a “10 BEST OF ‘best of 2010 lists’ LIST” very soon.  From nationally recognized and respected lists to one’s that some guy just made on his Tumblr, they all have been gathered and taken into consideration and are currently being sorted through at the Comedy Bureau so you don’t have to wonder which one to listen to.  Check back at the Comedy Bureau for more details.

8) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to MARIANNE SIERK-“@mrrrianne Santa came early - left me a pile of MAGIC TERMITE WINGS next to my window sill.  I must have been a very good girl.”  The lovely Marianne Sierk is quite deceptive every time she takes the stage as she has a very sweet demeanor, but crushes with her comedy, making sure she brings “the goods” every time.  Touring colleges and corporations throughout the country, Marianne should never be missed, even if you have a moderate interest in comedy or laughing in general.  Here are Marianne’s Website and Twitter.  Check back at the Comedy Bureau for details on her next LA performance.

9) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: Reggie Watts-Fuck Shit Stack

10) Donate to the Comedy Bureau so I can afford a bandwagon for everyone to jump on…. so they could donate again.

11) The Comedy Bureau currently has 109 followers on twitter, 62 on tumblr, 114 on facebook, and a startling number of people who know who I am without ever having talked to me…. that number being 2.   

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1) Yesterday, as I said, I went did the Marty’s Marathon, meaning I went up at the same open mic from 5PM to 11PM.  Instead of reviewing the whole experience, I’m going to just list all the tweets I had through the duration of the open mic as a “stream of consciousness” primary document to impart what exactly what I went through:
“At Marty’s for comedy open mic march of death. #thisisgoingtobefun #convincinghashtag.”  
“Audience/comics that may not listen of 3.”  
“Host redoing opening joke”  
“I love to hear homeless men fart.” #openmicgenius”  
“Host running time by when he finishes his burger”  
“People are looking at me while performing like I’m the only audience member because that’s kind of the case.”     
“Finished first set at marty’s and I’m thinking already “I’m still here”  
“There’s a crowd…. of five….. two of which are actually listening”  
“Apparently, I’m not the first one to do Marty’s from 5pm to 11pm. DAMN IT!!!”  
“To do material or to depress the shit out of people #openmichamlet”  
“You know what happens when I play hard to get? I DON’T GET GOT!” #openmicgenius” 
“Sad dick dead dick ad dick dead dick dead dick dead dick happy dick sad dick happy dick dead dick sad dick happy dick”  
“People keep think I’m texting. If only they knew what I was really doing.”  
“Got set number 2 in and got three awwwwws. #imstillhere”  
“Almost 8pm and have not gotten up 3 times at Marty’s or had more than 3 “audience members”.  
“Oh, and looks like I went with “…to depress the shit out of people” #openmichamlet #reallythoughigotsomelaughs”  
“I’m addicted to cleaning my ears… It’s ear sex.” #openmicgenius”  
“3hr 38 min mark, still waiting to go up third time.”  
“What do you want from me?!?!??!?!??!??!??!??!??!??!??????????”  
“Hour 4, still waiting for set number 3”  
“3 people and the remnants of a person on stage left here at Marty’s”  
“13 minutes for third set at marty’s for three people”  
“10 min. conversation with host on stage in between comics.”  
“In hour 5, still here with three other people”  
“Just did 4 sets at Marty’s and it’s 11. FUCK.”  
“6 hours for 35 min. of stage time, though still feel empty. #maybethatsjustme”  

2) While waiting to see how long the Laugh Factory Comicthon will last or the judgment on Wikileaks founder Julian Assange you should probably go on tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL because it’ll be better for your life in general.  Start off with Sataristas Live @ Actor’s Gang 7PM Pay-what-you-can, then Ballgame’s Laugh Lounge @ Red Rock 8PM FREE, then This is Not Happening Presents: This Year in Review @ Hollywood Improv Lab $5/2 drink min., then Comedy Death Ray @ UCB Theatre 8:30PM $5 (stand by only), then Holy Fuck! @ Downtown Independent Theater 9PM FREE, then Three’s Comedy 5 Year Anniversary @ Three of Clubs 9PM FREE, then Hot Toddy @ iO West 11PM $5, then finish with Chatroulette LIVE! @ UCB Theatre 11PM $5.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: PALMS 8572 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood, CA/Sign-up 4:30PM/Starts 5PM, then BACK HOME IN LAHAINA 519 Carson St., Carson, CA #A/Sign-up 6PM/Starts 7PM, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE TOKYO @ SEÑOR FISH 422 E. 1st, Los Angeles, CA (downtown)/Sign-up 6:30PM/Starts 7PM, COFFEE GALLERY 2029 Lake Ave., Altadena, CA/Starts 8PM, WESTWOOD BREWCO 1097 Glendon Ave., Westwood, CA/Sign-up (lottery) 7:30PM/Starts 8PM, MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Big Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed.

4) BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE TOKYO!!! ABBEY LONDER!!! $2 FISH TACOS!!! SURPRISE RAFFLES!!! $3 DOMESTIC/$4 IMPORTED BEER!!!  Oh yeah, you can literally walk to Holy Fuck after this.  (details above)

5) The Hollywood Laugh Factory has already set out to gain the world record of longest running continuous live comedy show, which is apparently 50 hours, with COMICTHON while simultaneously accepting toy donations for the Children’s Hospital and will run for a few days this week.  It has been advertised that Dave Chappelle will go up at some point, but there’s no indication as to when he will perform or when Dane Cook will go up. Check 8001 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA at your own pleasure/peril.

6) “Special Case Mention” from friend of the Comedy Bureau’s Hasan Minhaj-If you’ve ever considered doing standup comedy understand that you’ll have to be able to follow this. This is real: http://yfrog.us/nfnu8z

7) Maria Bamford has already played one living room earlier this year.  Make the next living room she plays YOURS!!! Auction for a private performance from Maria Bamford here.  All proceeds go the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank.

8) The Comedy Bureau “Tip Its Hat” today to LIZZY COOPERMAN-“@lizzycooperman ”Peaks and valleys, man. It’s all about peaks and valleys.” - a depressed person summing up life, or the book “Let’s Go Afghanistan”.  Yet another repeat “Tip of the Hat” winner, Lizzy is quite simply a privilege to watch with her furiously smart and swift jokes and should never be missed.  Don’t miss Lizzy tomorrow at Riot @ El Cid $10 4212 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA, The Josh and Josh Show @ Bar Lubitsch FREE 7702 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood, CA, and with her fabulous sketch group Birds of Prey at Please, Thank You, You’re Welcome @ Bar Lubitsch FREE 8:30PM.  Also, be sure to check out Lizzy’s website and absolutely follow her on Twitter.

9) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: “Hello There” A film by Louis CK

10) Forget about whether it ‘tis the season or not… The Comedy Bureau needs your support.  Please donate here, if you are willing and able/decent person.

11) RT @Kabelion Based on comedy centrals 10 best comics of 2010, this year was the weakest year in comedy since Gallagher 1 was the biggest thing going.

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1) Most comics in Los Angeles find that they can only get up once a night.  Some of the more dedicated comics hustle out to do two spots in one night, then the hardest workers I find can do about four in one night, if there’s the opportunity to.  Tonight, for benefit of the LA comedy community, the Comedy Bureau is going to go up about 8 times, possibly even more, by performing at Marty’s/The Open Mic from 5PM to 11PM to let you know what it’s like without you ever having to try it.  Marty’s is an open mic that allows performers, after they pay the $5 cover, to go up as many times as they want/feel is necessary/can handle.  You can follow this journey into what very well might be a productive night of comedy OR comedy purgatory bordering on the tips of the flames of comedy hell on Twitter right here.

2) Nice and easy seems to be theme of tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL with all of the weekly shows regularly listed here in full effect (NOT TO MENTION THAT ALL OF THIS COSTS JUST $5)  Start off with What’s Up Tiger Lily? @ Hollywood Studio Bar & Grill 8PM FREE, then Comedy Show @ The Cherry Pit 9PM FREE, then Keep It Clean @ 1739 Public House 10PM FREE, and I’m sure you’ll have enough money to finish off the night at Crash Test @ UCB Theatre 11PM $5 and be able to get home.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: CLUB 705 705 Pier Ave., Hermosa Beach, CA/Starts “around” 7PM/10 min., TRIBAL CAFE 1651 W. Temple St., Los Angeles, CA (Echo Park)/Starts 8:15PM, CASEY’S 613 S. Grand Ave., Los Angeles, CA (downtown)/Sign-up (lottery) 7PM/Starts 8PM, MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5/multiple sets allowed.

4) Louis CK was on the Tonight Show.  I didn’t get to watch it live because I was performing at an AA room, but I watched parts 1-3 of the interview here, here, and here.

5) BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE TOKYO is back for PART 5!!! Tomorrow night’s very, incredibly, special guest: ABBEY LONDER!!! Oh yeah, don’t forget $2 fish tacos and raffles galore (meaning probably 3).  Tues. Dec. 7th @ Señor Fish (422 E. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA) Sign-up 6:30PM/Starts 7PM.

6) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to MATT KNUDSEN “@matt_knudsen I love reindeer.  They are delicious.” Armed with his incredibly astute, sharp one-liners and his remarkably delightful low-key presence, Matt Knudsen not only gets to entertain all around Los Angeles, but is regularly featured on several TV shows including, most recently, Detroit 1-8-7  and Men of a Certain Age.  He just released an album, “The Comedic Stylings of Matt Knudsen”, which you should definitely buy and can be seen live this week at the “Toys for Tots Benefit” @ Hudson Mainstage Wed. Dec. 8th and improv group “The Waterbrains” @ The Westside Comedy Theatre” Fri. Dec. 10th $10.  Do not forget to check out his website and follow him on Twitter.

7) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: Sam Kinison’s First Appearance on Letterman

8) I’m doing basically an entire 12 hour day for LA Comedy today.  Please donate (cash donations in person accepted as Tumblr is down).  

9) Tumblr can’t stop the Comedy Bureau, but many near and dear friends tell me “dating a woman” would probably do the trick.  I’ll guess we’ll have to find out….

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1) I have to give credit once more to Shayne Michael and the energy he has put back into the iCandy open mic/K.A.S. Comedy Etc. Show.  With being one of the longest running open mics in the LA area, iCandy/Coffee Haven has seen its share of highs and lows and with a new sound system and a revitalized format that keeps a good energy about the room (i.e. booked show, raffles, etc.), comics who go to iCandy can expect to actually work on their material, which is the purpose of an open mic.

2) What better way to get into the holiday spirit than going to a run of shows that include the words: milk, asssscat, boners, back room, and family.  THUS, don’t miss tonight’s COMEDY CRAWL with Two Milk Minimum @ Flappers Burbank 12:30PM $10/2 item min., then Space Boners Gives Thanks! @ Silverlake Lounge 7PM FREE, then ASSSSCAT @ UCB Theatre 8PM $10 (stand by only), then The Back Room @ UCB Theatre 10PM $10, and finish with Ron Lynch and Craig Anton host a Tomorrow! Family Thanksgiving @ Steve Allen Theater MIDNIGHT $8.

3) OPEN MIC RUN: LAUNDROMIC 1054 Vine St. Los Angeles, CA/Starts 4PM, WESTSIDE COMEDY THEATRE 1323-A 3rd St (in alley between 3rd and 4th)/Sign-up (lottery) 6PM/Starts 6:30PM/3-5 min., SUNSET GRILL 7439 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA/Starts 7PM, MARTY’S/THE OPEN MIC 7351 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA (walk up Martel past Big Mama’s and Papa’s)/5PM to 11PM/$5 cover/multiple sets allowed.

4) As it was brought to my attention, even though I knew I needed to get around to it, the “Bureau Approved” page is updated again with a section for shows and open mics.  Also, the “Calendars” page got updated with Comedy Store Line-ups and link directly to the Largo Calendar.  I might be running out of ways to make this easier for you guys… I’m just sayin’.

5) The Comedy Bureau “Tips Its Hat” today to PAUL DANKE “@pauldanke every black friday, I get up early, go to best buy, and when the doors open. I rob the shit out of people’s cars. #IPODSFOREVERYONE”  When not chilling back in his jean jacket, Paul Danke absolutely rips it on stage.  According to several sources, Danke closed out the Holy Fuck! One Year Anniversary like a hero, which is certainly no surprise to the Comedy Bureau.  Going up all around town as well as his own fantastic show The Comedy Garage (run with Cornell Reid and Sean Green), Paul has definitely earned his praise for his stand-up as well as doing featured blogging for FunnyorDie.com.  You can witness Paul Danke tomorrow at French Toast @ Taix 8:30PM FREE or on his blog The Art of Coming Off Casual or his amazing Twitter.

6) From the “You Should Have Been There” Lagoon: Michael Keaton does Stand-up

7) Donate here. Live Tweeting here. Donate here. Live Tweeting here. (insert catchy jingle that’s so catchy you would actually do either or both of the two) 

8) On the subject of handling hecklers:  Why is there the type of heckler who interrupts your set and then applauds and congratulates you after you yell at him for 4 minutes ripping him to shreds as a person?  There should be a new subcategory of psychological disorders in DSM IV that addresses this.

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